A slice of life

I have been meaning to write for awhile now. I often am talking to a close friend and we will be chatting away and I will just stop and look at them and tell them I really need to write. Writing helps me sort through the mess of my heart. When I say mess, I mean a BEAUTIFUL mess. A mess that is created by things that I probably wouldn't change or take back even if I could. In this mess, God still speaks to my heart even if it's just a whisper. Other times, HE is yelling at me! Even in the mess I still get to see God changing me and changing others around me.

So what's new? Well...kind of alot but kind of not much at all. My life is pretty much the same but things surrounding me change. I am still Abby. I still teach dance. I still pour into the same people I have been for awhile. Even if they aren't here in knoxville with me. :( That is one thing that has changed...Kayla is in Nicaragua until I go down there in December. And my other half mandi went back to school in the boro. Life is so different without both of them here. They walked thru some really hard stuff with me this summer and at times it's hard to not have them right when I need them. But I have also learned the God truly does have perfect timng. He took my kayla and mandi for a short time and gave me two others that were not here with me this summer. Jess was in china all summer and we only talked thru e-mails and occasionally on the phone. Even though the world seperated us, we still could walk this journey called life together. But it is so good to have her back here with me :) ( whoah, I just realized i sound so selfish right now...i really am not I am just saying...)

Walking through what I did this summer...hmmm...it really was miserable at times but other times I had the sweetest times that I am not sure I would have had with out going through what I was going through. I really thought at times that it would never end, then there were other times in my heart where I had this flutter of HOPE that it was going to be okay I just would get sick thinking about the time it would take and the journey I would have to keep walking. All through out I would find myself on my face, humbled by the creator and what He could do in my life and circumstances. I truly had all my hope in Him. All the love that was filling me up was over flowing to HIM and others. I had joy in the midst of so much pain and confusion. Some days you could see it in my eyes...other days you couldn't at all. But I know there was not a day that HE wasn't holding me heart and telling me it was all going to be okay. Yes, it was miserable. Would I change it if I could? I am not sure. Because it really showed me what I am made of, who I live for, what I want and that with God and his grace I can keep loving even when I am in a million pieces.

GRACE...I still don't fully understand this word. I wish I did. But I do know that the past 6 months of my life I have seen grace raining down all around me. In every area of my life. It's this grace that sustained me through one of the scariest storms in the sea of life. It is this grace that still pulls me back when I seem to be slipping away. It is this grace that is given to me that allows me to forgive. It is this grace that allows me to keep serving even when I make stupid decisions. It is this grace that gives me breath each new day. It is this GRACE that is making all things new RIGHT NOW in my life. I don't credit anything I have done to be allowed the privelage to forgive and love the way Jesus Christ loves me. It is only an overflow of what I have been given.

The past month I have noticed something...that parts of my affection that were going to the Lord are going somewhere else now. Much of the overflow of love I have in my life is being torn between someone who has won my affection and the God who made me. i have really battled with this. Is it okay? Does my life still please YOU? Is it okay that I am torn between these two things? I am still seeking, but I am still reminded that the only reason I love is becasue He first loved me. I have to keep Christ as my first love or I WILL come up empty. If I am scared, anxious, worried or fearful I still go to the Lord. He fills me up. He helps me sing His name. Jesus has walked with me through everything, He knows my heart better than anyone (even Kayla, Mandi and Jess) I trust that He is still walking with me. Still holding my heart. God, would you take my heart and guard it? Because YOU KNOW the end of the story....